I know from experience that you can rule out “Save the Galaxy.” That’s for bleeding-heart do-gooders and rebel scum. I tried “Sell to Highest Bidder,” but eBay and Amazon kept taking down my posts as an “Unsafe Listing.” “Become a Ruthless Killer” seems pretty reasonable to me, but I can see how it wouldn’t be for everyone.
What really strikes me is the likelihood of “Immediate, Accidental Self-Dismemberment.” As Star Wars fans, you all remember me cutting Luke’s hand off, and Dooku cutting mine off, but the majority of lightsaber injuries are actually accidental. I can’t tell you how many insurance deductibles we had to pay from some stupid Storm Trooper seeing my lightsaber, treating it like a toy and slashing another Storm Trooper’s arm off. At BBQ’s, I would set my lightsaber up as a bug zapper, but inevitably, someone would have too many Arnold Palmers and stumble into it losing an ear or finger in the process. I even took a few trips to the Death Star infirmary after trying to use my lightsaber to slice a bagel before having my morning coffee. All told, this graph is probably reasonably representative, and would be more convincing if the designer hadn’t done it in crayon.