They got one thing right here, I love asking people “Do you know who I am?” when I don’t get my way. Most people roll their eyes, mumble Darth Vader and tell me to wait in line just like everyone else, but I like to give it a shot. Fact is, I barely have the heart to kill anyone with a force choke anymore. At worst, I will make your throat feel a little snug, like wearing a small turtleneck, but I just don’t have the energy to go around killing people. So I usually just head to the end of the line and wait like a pathetic Storm Trooper.
Occasionally, I will recite a catch phrase from my Death Star days, but it’s really not worth it. Telling a Taco Bell employee “I have altered the deal, pray I don’t alter it any further,” when you want a free Chalupa seems like a tough guy act, but more often then not, you just end up with spit in your taco and nothing for free. I got arrested last week when a mall cop saw me stealing a pair of cargo shorts from The GAP. I thought I could intimidate him when he put his taser down by saying, “you are unwise to lower your defenses!” He just picked it up again and gave me 10,000 volts to the scrotum. So that went well.
Also, if I ever have grandchildren who will talk to me, I am definitely getting them a set of Star Wars Legos that include Jar Jar. In fact, since I can’t get funding for Death Star III, maybe I will just build one out of Legos, blow up a pretend Endor with it and feel like a successful Dark Lord for 15 minutes of my pathetic life.